Where it’s at

It has been over a year since I was able to even think about blogging. No pity party just fact.  As we all know time waits for no one. In the past year we have had many trials and many joys. We have a new granddaughter Olivia Rose. As sweet as her name. 

On the flip side I have been walking a journey not of my choice. Crossfit sadly is no longer part of my day. I hope one day I will be squatting and cleaning again. It seems as though my body is going through many issues that I was not prepared for. Relationships have changed drastically or don’t exist at all and although that maybe a good choice for well being it doesn’t mean we dontt feel the ouch of losing a friend or family member. 

My husband lost his brother 7 months ago and has had a hugeripple effect. As much as I would like to change I am powerless. Pain and grief of any kind require a certain amount of time to process and we are all different. No on can tell you that you should be letting go of it by a certain point.

All that being said…I have taken a turn to my wellness. Wellness being my mental emotional and spiritual state and well as my health. I am on way too many meds all for mental health issues and hypothyroid issues.  Physical pain due to fibromyalgia. All recently diagnosed. 

WTF? this is a depressing blog! Here is the flip side. What you don’t feel you won’t heal. So I am accepting the feelings of acute depression and anxiety but knowing nothing has changed. I am safe. I am ok. I will walk through this and get to the other side. I come by mental health issues honestly. My nana used to call it “the depression”. I like how she phrased as it was not a part of her but just something that would take over for a time. Not your fault. 

If you relate to any of this you must know you need a few people you can trust to help you walk through this. Medication sometimes is necessary. I hope to come off one day but not today. There is no. Shame saying  no to events that trigger you or be overwhelming is ok. You are in charge or your own wellness. 

So today, I am about to call my doctor and say “help”. Something is really wrong. I will add him to my team. For me Jesus is the leader of my healing team …prayer , meditation, working on regulating my breathing  , no tv, journaling will be what help me start to move through this debilitation. 

I am only blogging this because if there is one person who is in the same boat I want to hand you the other paddle. We will get through this.

Through The strong healing power of Jesus.

Grace and mercy with us always 

Later Gators 

Wounded Healers

 

If I look back with honesty I can see that I have had mental health issues from when I was quite young. My memories are vague.  Snip-its of pictures in my mind. Wondering if they are true or not. In fact some of those pictures that I had the courage to ask about I have found were only in my imagination.

In a way that makes me feel sad for the girl who lived in a life that was not real . But it was the way the little girl coped. Imagination was my gift from God to make things not hurt so much.

Depression and an anxiety/eating disorders have made life much more challenging that I ever would have thought. I used to think well if you feel it coming on then you know its not you so just push it aside and ignore it. You know you are fine. So get over it. Drama queen . and whatever you do, don’t talk about it. You will look weak and attention seeking. But I was an attention seeker. My bff, Andrea, who now I know was my exclusive bully, would make me do dances for our classroom. Dreaded and yet like the after attention.  Male attention was never too far away.  I was tall with long hair and to some pretty.  But I think what shined about me the most was my vulnerability. That was not a good mix for a young girl whose parents were not watching.

All of us as babies did not get ever thing we needed. And some of us got things that we were never meant to get. No parent blame, because they were in the same boat. If they knew better they would have done better.

All of this to say it all leaves a mark. A lasting impressionable mark. It is a template that we base all of our relationships on. It is what we use to determine if we are loved, worthy, accepted. It tells us how to love, how to love others, who we are and how to walk through life. It teaches us what is safe and what is not.

When you are coming from a place where there was dysfunction, sadness, abandonment , confusion you learn to self protect. I believed from an early age that I was too much. So out came the coping tools. I believed they kept me safe, protected and not needing anyone.

Wow what a downer! I say all of this because today my template for loved has changed. Through a lot of hard work and healing.

I have learned that my coping tools no longer work. They are damaging. They were never God’s plan for me. All I want now is what God wants for me. So that makes it pretty simple. Maybe not easy, but simple. My template now says I am the daughter of the King. I am exactly who I am supposed to be.

So you are you. You are so loved. I encourage you …if anyone is still here…to ask Him. Who am I to you? He will delight in answering you!

Even though there have been so many times I thought,“ no way God was here for that”…in fact He was. Weeping, over my damaged heart.   But He has been the One to restore me and to use those wounds to help others.

I am not really sure why I wrote this today, I just felt it on my heart. I wanted to share it with maybe one person who thinks there is no hope. You are so not alone.

“Come to me all who are wary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my youke is easy and my burden is light”. Matthew 11:28-30

 

Lator Gators  xo

 

 

Happy New Year!

Well that was quite a gap between posts! The reason I started blogging in the first place was try out the God given thought that I have a voice. For the first 53 years of my life I learned to be seen and not heard. Well, when you are not heard you certainly do not feel “seen”. So i learned to believe the lie that it was safer to be silent and not seen.

God promises for those who believe that He will make good use of everything …good or bad that happens. I had to opportunity to experience just that.

I was struggling, grasping, gasping for anything that would help me stay on plan to lose weight. The harder I tried, the more anxiety it created when I came to a crashing fail…again.  It was over Christmas and we were visiting family and friends when someone said to me, “What happened to you, you got fat!”.  Feeling my knees weaken, face flush and the wind drain out of my lungs i was unable to utter a word…. So again I was silent but at that moment felt so exposed and “seen”  that i immediately went into “the hole”. Depression and hopelesness flooded my body. . For the next few weeks my mind was dark, I hid from people, turned down invitations, the shame of being me was overwhelming. I listened to the lies in my head that I am nothing…unworthy. If i don’t look a certain way than I am not worth love.

During that time of isolation I was on my knees in  prayer, in meditation knowing I could not solve this eating disorder, anxiety and depression thing myself. I had to let go. I gave it to God. I just could not suffer one more minute with thinking i just have  to be better stronger, more self willed. Pull up my socks! Screw it. It is too exhausting.

Since then I have felt a freedom come over me that I can only explain as a gift from God. The question presented itself to me one day. “If you never lost a pound every again would you still love me?” . Whack! It took a while to wrestle with this question. But, Yes, I love you now I will love you always. You, Lord have the perfect plans for my life.” So I surrendered ever losing another pound. I surrendered what others think of me. I surrendered what i eat what I don’t eat, my body, my obsessive thinking fear and anxiety and asked God to show me how to live this out with a peace of mind. My mind.

Since then I have been learning more about self care. I am back working out not because I have to but I enjoy it. It helps so much with depression and anxiety. Even in the midst of an episode I will put my music on and just focus on lifting heavy.My mind gets quiet and focused. There is a calmness that comes over me. The anxiety looses its grip.  Love it! The food is becoming more peaceful.  I am back in the routine of prepping and eating whole foods.I am becoming  more aware that they feel better in my body. I am learning that I can get what I need and have boundaries around people who are not safe. People who may not know it but are harmful in their unfiltered judgments.

I no longer have to be not seen or heard. God did not put me here for that. He has a purpose for me and i want it! All of it.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”. Romans 8:28

Light Bulb Moment

So I promise I will try not to sound like poor me life is crap… Can’t lift weights bla bla bla.  That being said I would like to talk directly to those who walk with mental heal issues like depression and anxiety. I can feel the anxiety … I named it the brick because that is what if felt like on my chest. I thought I had asthma. Doctor gave me puffers. Wtf? So easily mid diagnosed by doctors that are not quite listening or asking any questions.

I will say with the changes that have been going on .. Good and bad the anxiety I experience has been pretty high lately. Although you would never know. There are very few that I share it with but to the ones I do? Thank you 😘.. I get through my day with the promise That I am going to the gym to work out. My work outs have changed drastically. I was so used to walking into Crossfit and having a plan set out. Now it’s up to me..

Well lately “up to me meant do laundry, take a nap or grab the remote”. It is so easy to bail on yourself when you think no one is watching and no one cares. But that was the very thing that was taking me further into a dark depressed state of mind. Letting my self down. I don’t ha e it in me.. Don’t care anymore.

Like yesterday .. There is always the HUGE resolve in the morning to go kill it at a work out.. Get back on track … Eat clean, drink your water .. By 4:30 I am beaten up by the day.. Listened to all the lies that my mind is trying to get me to bow down to… “Just go home… Too tired…you have stuff to do…the Voice is on!” Went home and struggled to put my gym stuff on and just then I get a text..”you coming?”. And that’s all it took . I went to a yoga Pilates class and it was amazing. I feel it in my joints and muscles today. But I also feel in my soul.

The biggest thing I see today  is my state of mind . I did notdisappoint myself again… I did what was harder initially but what a pay off. The depression is still there but not so overwhelming.i can tell those lies to shut the f up.

Today’s devotional said,”he gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak…we will soar like wings on an eagle.. We will run and not grow weary”. This was so encouraging to me today…

I will not Allow the  lies to tell me I can’t get what I need. That I will never be healthy and strong. God has given me and you everything we need to walk out this life and finish well.
That is my hope and plan … To finish well .. Screw the remote… Get to the gym and use it to fight anxiety and depression. It honestly works.
Later gators 💪🏻

Crawling out of the ditch

It has been too long since I have connected with you. I tend to disappear in to my own world when things are at an all time high for stress or when things just seem overwhelming. For the longest time I felt I was on top of things… That I had what I needed to walk through this journey.. Land on my feet stronger than ever and feeling accomplished.

Well there was  another plan in action that I was unaware of.  A plan that would take me on a journey of confusion, self doubt, self hate a times and as a result dissociation and detachment from myself and what I love about this life.

I don’t need to go into  details but the end result is that I am dealing with a lot of physical pain that has not only slowed me down from working out but had to stop Crossfit completely.

When the pain and obvious struggle to lift weights started .. I ignored it saying I needed to do more.. Work harder. The women at the box were so encouraging and I so wanted to be a part of that life and be bad ass strong like them. But the harder I tired the more pain I was experiencing.

It was not easy to walk away from something I loved doing so much. The people mostly …well they never judge.. Always encourage. It’s a family that I miss so much .

So that took me to a dark place in my head. Crossfit was essential in lifting my depression and crushing anxiety. Now that I did not have that I felt myself spiraling out of control. I was not listening to what my body was saying. I needed rest.. Clean foods….water… The appropriate excercises for the situation I was in. Instead I shut down… Did nothing and that always results in self harm.

The depression and anxiety are something I battle on a daily basis. I am a natural introvert so I tend to go deeper inside and shut down. Sleep is my best friend and I work on being alone as much as I can. However with that you are alone with your own thought… Your own self pity and your own anxiety.. No one or nothing to pull you out of the state you are in.

For me as some of you know.. I am a lover and follower of Jesus Christ. I ignored His words… I avoided getting quiet to listen to what He had to say. I was feeling ashamed at undoing all my progress and being “old” , out of Shape again. I had asked for help daily and it just didn’t seem He was listening or willing to help . That I was back at square one and He could not give a rats ass about me or my problems. ThAt was my bottom. I never felt so alone in all my life. I was not only in physical pain with no clear diagnosis Other than arthiritis … Possibly fibromyalgia… My mental health was at a point that I was on shut down.. Don’t give a shit anymore. I will never be fit. Fuck it. I was not meant to be anything different.

When I hit that moment I was afraid.. Really afraid of what my life would start to look like. So afraid that I knew I had to do something. That is when the shift occurred. I started asking God to show me  what to do … What steps to follow… What was I not looking at.

As much as I hate it.. Pride has been an issues and that is what I was not listening to . Crossfit is bass ass and I love it… But my body was telling me I needed more and I wasn’t willing to give up the feeling of belonging… Getting strong and feeling well tough. My ego was tweaked. Yes at 53 and overweight you can still have an ego.

So .. Now humbled… Not in the shape I was at all… (Not that I looked like an athlete or anything) but I was feeling strong and clothes were fitting better than they are now… More energy and just an over all lighter positive feeling about life.

Today before anything I am on my knees thanking God for the gift of an able .. Slightly messed up body… And skewed vision of myself. He thinks I am perfect. The more I listen to the lies of the enemy the more ground he takes. So I am leSrning to recognize those thoughts as not my own but of the one who has held me captive. I rebuke the lie and give thanks to God that I know how He sees me. Redeemed… Perfect… Beloved.

I am not saying that all is fantastic. What I am saying is moment by moment I remind myself that I am ok. That a workout is better than no work out. Today my routine looks like yoga and some HIIT. I sweat and I feel good after but it is no Crossfit. I hope to be back at some point in some capacity.

The lessons I learned are… I am not so good with change.. I am stubborn and pout when I can’t have what I want…lifting weights even small weights fights depression and anxiety. Reaching out for help works. Rest.. Eat clean… Drink water… Take all your thought captive and bring them to the Lord. Tell the accuser to piss off and stomp on the lies that have held you hostage.

Today the sun is shining and it is the weekend. I am grateful there is no agenda for today. But I do know that I will take the time to connect with my Father… To be settled in His arms and listen for what He has to say.

The depression and anxiety as I said are a day to day balance.. But I am crawling out of the ditch with my big girl pants on ready to move forward again. Looking  to what is ahead. Knowing I am not alone…knowing I can get what i need…know there are those who love me….knowing that I am…..well that I am ok.:)

Later gators 😘

LOVE…..action word

Wow did you think I fell off the side of the earth? It has been since The summer that I have written. In that time I went back to work and am now a grandmother for the first time. What a feeling! I was not prepared for how much love I felt. It is overwhelming at times. Itcertainly  opened my eyes to the potential that God had placed in me.

Our world can be and is difficult. Relationships can be difficult. We all have them. Are we doing some thing wrong? Are we blind to the wounds of others?  I am the first to admit that I a not exactly the warm and fuzzy type. I am not a hugger and I have a deadly sarcasm. That being said .. I deeply love those I love. But how willing am I to extend that love in the tougher relationships.

We are all so quick to want to fix anything that does not seem right in our eyes..Or that it is uncomfortable for us at the moment.  I am the first to admit I don’t like feeling uncomfortable… I am not big on feeling period. I tend to dissociate and shut down when I don’t feel seen.. Heard…safe.

But what if that is exactly what needs to happen in order to work through the wounds and move to a place of healing? God has called us to love each other like Jesus loves us. He did not come to have everyone like him. he came to call us to Him and be transformed by Him.

Like any transformation it take time and more often than not it will be uncomfortable. It may even hurt .. A lot. For a long time. But the out come? Maybe more than we could have ever imagined.

So as we all have troubles… Try to be still and feel the feelings and accept where you are at that moment.You are ok. … You are ok. You are not alone. Give it all to God and He will fight for you .

 

Lator Gators

SELFCARE…INSIDE AND OUT

One of the reasons I started this blog was because I wanted to share my struggles, giggles and frustrations of starting a life of wellness. From a young age fitness was not a focus in our family. Oh I would have spurts here and there. In grade school I did okay in gym…well,  until it was time to go into the change room. My own insecurities of my self and body image would overwhelm me and I would always find a way to hide in the bathroom until most of the skinny girls were gone so I could change with some form of emotional ease. The crazy thing was I was one of the skinny girls! But in my mind I felt nothing but shame and resentment at how my body was changing and I could do nothing to stop it.

Hmmm.. flash forward to the age of 50…not much had changed. Every winter the resolution of not having another fat summer. The panic of spring on set and still not “hitting the mark”. Shame and failure weave its threads into my already broken and distorted body image.

Why do we do this to ourselves? There are many people that don’t think this way and I am sure they are scratching their heads at this thinking, “this woman has a problem!”. But to those of us who deal with anxiety disorders it is real. This is one of the ways that the anxiety shows up in my life. …hey! that was just an aha moment! That is so true! It is not really self hate and body dismorphia..it is anxiety! For example, the up and coming  weddings that are about to take place over the summer. My ritual would be to pull up my socks and hit that diet hard!  Resolve, restrict and start running or put on whatever late night shopping channel exercise video I had purchased out of desperation on and go! I would have some success and feel better about myself and my accomplishment in such a short period of time.

Then a few days before the event would come the threads of self-doubt, insecurity would creep in and by the day of the wedding or event I would be in full on anxiety, tears, resolving to fake a migraine or illness. Not wanting to let my poor husband down I would suck it up (ps..he had no idea any of this insanity was occurring) and go to the festivities.

The crazy thing was although I may not have felt great about what I looked like or what I wore or how my clothes were fitting….(usually started with some spanx that would restrict your breathing) at the end of the night I always had a wonderful time. Why? People. Family. Seeing that no matter what you feel about yourself…true or not. the ones that love you……love you. So I could have had the greatest size 7 outfit on….(ahahah ok size 12) and after the first two minutes of how each other looked great….it was back to what really mattered. Our lives and what was going on. How were our children? What were we walking through at that time and how could we support each other.

I remember being at my brother’s wedding. My two sisters, neices and nephews, brother and new sister in law, husbands were all dancing to that old Sister Sledge sone “We are Family”.  We had a ball!  Someone came up to me after and commented, “you all look like you are so close…is that really true?” Well, that was a sobering emotional moment.  With a confident “Yes we really are that close” …it reminded me of what was true. That those who love you……love you. No matter the size of your dress, the shoes you have on or the color of your hair. or if you fit into that size 7……ok 12!!!!!

I will never forget that moment. It is a sweet reminder of the love that is in my life and how blessed I am to have a family, by blood and another family by choice who are my  long time girlfriends and my peeps at Crossfit N6. I am accepted no matter what. That in itself takes the steam out of the sail of anxiety and shows me that all the lies that are in my head that I am not good enough, pretty enough, funny enough , lost enough weight are just that…. Lies. I give thanks to God for that truth and then tell them  to piss of in Jesus name. lol

I will be honest the last few days have been a struggle. I am feeling overwhelmed and the goals seem very faded in the distance. Now that I am 52 I realize  I can make a choice. I lay all my emotions with God and get my gear on and go toward what works. Taking time to connect with God and rest in Him……Oh!  and lifting heavy shit and eating clean, whole foods. I commit all the lies and self damaging words to the One who made me. To those who condem me for what they may or may not see? Not my business…I am not your piece of work I am God’s.  He makes butterflies so I think I am in good hands.

If anyone is out there and can relate…I would LOVE to hear from you. God bless.

Later Gators.

Shifting Gears

Well it has been a while…..I have missed this. But time, as we know waits for no one. Not even bloggers. It is now summer and i would just like to say….PHEW! It has been a long school year. I work in a high school office and am blessed with all the same holidays as the students. It is always such a transition for me to be honest. I used to believe that the shift to not working was easy…..welcomed….. but in reality I struggle with change. Even if it is for six weeks vacation. I would make all these unrealistic goals. I would write lists of all the jobs that would get done in the home. The diet that I would stick to and be skinny for the fall come back. Read a book, paint the house….start a summer business. Rule the world!

Then I would get so overwhelmed with all the tasks at hand I would shut down, isolate and before I knew it it was the night before I had to return to work. My routines were off. I was staying up way to late at night watching tv. I would not stick to my food plan.  I felt more tired and more overwhelmed and more out of shape than when the holiday began.

I am saying all of this because I am noticing this pattern again this year. I am only a week into my holidays. I have had a few productive days but the routines are not in place. So bear with me, this is my way of getting on track. My own self talk to get myself out of a hole I don’t want to be in. Admission of errors and making a plan to move forward is the first step for me. Maybe someone reading this can relate. Maybe it will help someone else. Don’t beat yourself up. It doesn’t help. Believe me.
Last summer was the beginning of the change. I had a great summer. I had a routine of going to crossfit in the morning and spending time on our porch after with breakfast and something to read. . I spent time in the bible and time alone with God. To be refreshed and renewed by HIs healing spirit. Being reminded that I was not meant to do this life on my own will power was a wonderful reminder for me. I came to realize that I felt very guilty for having this time off and all the lists and expectations I put on myself were ways to combat that guilt and shame. Yes, I felt shame. “Why does SHE get time off? I don’t!….must be nice” I have heard that for years and it bore its way in to my spirit. So I would combat it with…”Well I might not be at work but see? I am doing all this other stuff to fill my time …be productive. Being of worth” . …DING.
It hit me hard after much quiet time and asking for direction…God showed me that I felt ashamed of being off work. That I felt that I  was not worthy to just embrace it and relax and be refreshed . Yes, have some projects, yes have a routine. But this is a gift …take it! Recieive its blessing that is meant for me.
So I am a week into my holidays and it is taking me a bit to get in the groove. I have to go back to baby steps. Start planning and prepping meals again. Go to bed at a regular time every night. Wake up and have coffee with my husband before he goes to work. Don’t fill my day with lists. Take the time to be in Gods word and build that intimacy that I long for with Him.
I am letting go of my food plan failures and moving forward. The more I obsess about what I am doing right or wrong the more it takes a place of worship in my life. Then I crash. There is room for one God in my life and that will not be food, diet, being thin, being jacked …whatever.

It is a beautiful day here on Lake Simcoe. The sun is shining and I am ready to move forward.
So God’s plan for me is self care. For me that means caring for my body that He so generously gave me with all appendages in tack. I can breathe and walk ….ALL on my own!!  I have all moving parts and it is my responsibility to take care of it. To plan and prepare food is just better for me. Keeps it simple and allows me to focus on the joy of the day. It also means taking time just to be with Him…A walk by the lake, on a beach, in the forest with my dogs. Taking time to be still and feel His presence in front behind and beside me. It is hard at first, and I am not great at it. But the more I take time to breath deeply and slowly…and wait.

He comes.. He creates a place in my imagination (Which He created by the way) where we meet and I can rest there with Him. Maybe a very short time….but it gets better every time I try. It is prayer really. I need not say a word HE knows. HE knows my feelings of guilt shame anger doubt toward life, toward Him. He takes it and transforms it into something beautiful.
So this summer is looking different to me now than it did even yesterday. I am going to be a grandparent very soon. I want to be a well, present woman for this beauty that is coming into our family. I am taking each day as one day and asking God, “Whats the plan for today?”..Get my coffee and it usually comes….Today? I need to clean my car..lol. I have a basement that needs some attention I have a crossfit class and weight lifting tonight. That sounds like enough for one day. I am sure more things will be in my day but this is enough for me to know.

Later  Gators  xo

PS…Would love to hear from anyone that can relate!

I am sitting at my desk on this dreary Monday morning….third coffee in tow. Yes, third….don’t judge. I am using it as comfort for the stiffness and pain I am feeling in my lower back today. Heavy deadlifts and painting session to blame.
Days like today remind me that I am not in the same age bracket as most of my pals at the box. The ones that are my age…I am inspired to continue to   in…but damn they are strong!
I am looking back over my last year and a half at crossfit and have learned so much about myself. I know that we as human beings are shaped by our environment, how we were raised, who raised us and for that matter who didn’t. It leaves a marks on us…good or bad. Like a hand print. We are all living out our lives based on what we believe to be true from our experiences. Wether it is actually true or not.
One of the things I have been noticing about myself over this past year and a half is that I lean toward what is safe. What I know I can do with relative comfort and confidence that I won’t screw up too badly or humiliate myself.
For example box jumps. I know a bit of a stretch but bear with me…it is a perfect analogy. When I was introduced to them the first time Silviu, owner of Crossfit N6, bring me this padded box that may have been 12 inches high. “Jump on in” he said. I wondered who he was talking to. “Jump!” uhhhh I don’t think so. I will break my ankle. Not that it was a ridiculous height but it was new. I had never done it before. I was afraid I would fall but more than that I had fear of being embarrassed.
“Stop thinking and jump”. Sil repeated. I had to admit I was more afraid not to jump at this point. Our fearless leader has quite a presence. Before you realize how kind and sweet Silviu is …visually he is scary big. So I jumped. “Good job”….i heard. Fist pump…I felt proud. Then Sil looks at me and say with a blank face, “That is my 3-year-old daughter’s box aha”.  I clearly got the message. It was a good job…you got over the fear. Next time it will not be 12 inches or padded for that matter.
As WOD’s passed and I became more comfortable and now usually use a 20” box. So when Sil told me to jump the 24” box one night those old fears crept up. I will fail. I will hurt myself. I will embarrass myself.
Where did that come from? As a child we could only do what my mom considered safe enough to rescue us from….(siblings, am I wrong?) So Barbie’s it was…hide and seek…. TV. There was no big adventurous activity as kids because my mom had boundaries around us that kept her feeling safe. This is not to say my parents are to blame for all that is wrong…not at all. It is just the print that has been left on me as a child that I now live out of unless challenged.
Box jumps at 24 inches is a challenge. So now I have the choice of staying in my safe zone or taking a risk to reach a higher level of accomplishment.
The next thing I am learning is to be more patient with myself. Learning just the terms of crossfit has posed a challenge. I am grateful that the coach always explains and demonstrates the moves before we are expected to perform them ourselves. I know I should have at least some of the moves in my mind by now but honestly between the list for home and menopausal brain there is just so little room for a vivid picture of a full hang snatch….is that even a move???!
This weekend that just passed was a lesson in itself. Number 1…never tell yourself that you are not going to have a cocktail….(or two and a half in my case) before the social event occurs.
This is a total set up for debauchery! We have friends coming over for dinner last Friday. I knew I had an early morning WOD.  Said to myself I would not drink…then the thought crept in.  MEH! What’s a glass of wine (or two and a half)? Well for me…who does not drink on a regular basis, (regular being weekly or even monthly). My body took a hard hit. I promised myself that I would go to the box no matter what. Well, I was actually hung over. Naseau headache the works. I was a little shocked. In the past two glasses of wine would have been before dinner! I arrived at Crossfit hoping to see all the regulars to push me through and there is coach Kristen in her fabulously sunny outfit and big smile. “Good morning!!! Just you and me today!” WHu Whut??

WOD:
3 Rounds For time:
500 meter row
12 deadlifts at body weight
21 box jumps 20” box

3 x 4 jerks
3 x 3 over head squats

Well,  lesson  here was I could not lift what I normally do….rowing and nausea don’t mix…and quads were not supporting any jumps that day…only step up.
Finished in 17:11. I completed but what was evident was that my body had changed for the better. I can’t just put something in my system that does not support the healthy life style change and expect to perform with the same amount of energy or strength.

SO, this week I am going to take this all into consideration. When that boxjump is required I won’t safely reach for the smaller box but TAKE THE RISK and aim for that 20-24″. When I am struggling to get those damn double unders I will remember that this is a journey not a destination. Where I could not do one double under before, I can string 5-7 together now.
And last but not lease….DONT DRINK AND WOD KIDS! It just does not mix.

Be good to yourselves today…..

Later Gators.

Hidden Treasures

My favorite time of day is early morning when I am walking my dogs. Carlo and Lucy. They are fluffy mini cockapoos. I admit to the possibility that I love my dogs maybe too much. As soon as I pick up their leashes, even when I am cleaning, they are always ready and eager to go for a walk. If it were not for them I would  be missing out on some pretty spectacular scenery right outside my door.
I live in a small town out side of Toronto right on Lake Simcoe. It is one of those things that when you live somewhere that is a tourist attraction (for cottaging and a water way)  you tend to dismiss it as normal.

I don’t always appreciate the time and energy that it take to exercise my dogs but today was able to be reminded what a blessing it is.

My days, as yours I am sure, are just stupid busy at times. Full time job, cooking cleaning, groceries, kids. Even trying to fit something good in like crossfit posses challenges.
Yesterday was one of those days that started at 5:30 am and did not stop until I finally collapsed at 10 pm. Days like this make it so easy to fall into a vicious cycle and tend to make you  believe there is nothing we can do about it and that is all there is.
So, I am taking my normal route with Carlo and Lucy this morning…I turn the bend to head back to the house. At the end of our road there is a dock. I glance at it daily as I am rushing to get on with getting ready for work. As I get closer to the lake I felt like I was being called to come sit at the dock. The water was so still and the air was cool Not a bug in sight. It was early and I surrendered to the idea that my morning routine would not suffer too much if I took a few minutes to take in the view.

Carlo and Lucy seemed to know by instinct that this was a sacred moment.  Both, abnormally settled down on the ground. They both look up at me and I swear it was as if they were saying…”Well, sit down!”.

I did what I was told and allowed all the planning and obstacles foreseen in my day fall to the wayside. I became overwhelmed with the beauty in front of me. As I breathe this all in I am reminded of a scripture that I have clung to for many years. “Be still and know that I am God”.
“Be still” …..I hold that thought and wonder, “How?”. How can I be still when there is so much to do, so much to think about, plan, organize, purchase, worry about!” How is that possible to be still and relax? Nice thought but I am going to have to be still another day.
The instinct is to breath deeply and as I do my body settles a little more and I don’t feel so committed to my self- inflicted time lines.
As I stop fighting the urge to get up and on with it the words pass through my spirit again. “Be still….shhhhhhh……shhhh”. I become so aware of God’s presence and the message that was given in that moment.
Slow down child and just be with me for a while. Spend this time with me and I will bless you. Rest in me. I am God …NOT YOU. I know what your day will be. I have planted treasures all along the way for you to discover. All you have to do is stay close. I promise, I won’t let you out of my sight.
There will be plans and obstacles and plenty of things that can easily distract you from me. But stop and go back to the safe place where we met this morning. Where I filled you with my peace.
Be present in every moment or you will miss the treasures. Know that I am here with you walking in front of you, behind you and am covering you from all sides.
What a comfort and refreshing way to start the day. Part of my daily routine is a period of  prayer and meditation. (shorter than I should give it I imagine) . But when life becomes too hectic and I am thinking that I need to control, plan, push. The very thing I need the most gets tossed out the window. My prayer life becomes another thing on the list that I check off. It becomes lip service. But to who? God does not respond to my put on self. Only to the one He created. So in that moment when I sat down and was willing to be still…I was in position to hear what my Papa had to say to me this morning. I am grateful for the reminder to stop and breath in. Rest and be open to what He has made available to me in this day.
When I do this I am in alignment with God and suddenly my lists get accomplished, my worries dissolve with a trust they will work out some how…and time? Well there just seems to be more of it. My energy seems not so limited and if feel rested . Dramatic times don’t feel so dramatic. I am able to ride out the painful situations of life with a confidence that I need not fix anything on my own. That God has me. I can sit in the back seat and let him steer.
I don’t know where you are in your day or your faith for that matter. But I encourage you my friend to start your day a few minutes earlier .Set that alarm just 15 minutes earlier. Don’t worry want to say…He doesn’t need you to speak. Let Him speak to you. Just be present and listen. Take the time.. even if you hear or feel nothing….keep doing it. You are being blessed. Then one day when you least expect it …you will be drawn to sit down and hear,  “Be still, and know that I am God” . Psalm 46:10

Later Gators xo