It has been too long since I have connected with you. I tend to disappear in to my own world when things are at an all time high for stress or when things just seem overwhelming. For the longest time I felt I was on top of things… That I had what I needed to walk through this journey.. Land on my feet stronger than ever and feeling accomplished.
Well there was another plan in action that I was unaware of. A plan that would take me on a journey of confusion, self doubt, self hate a times and as a result dissociation and detachment from myself and what I love about this life.
I don’t need to go into details but the end result is that I am dealing with a lot of physical pain that has not only slowed me down from working out but had to stop Crossfit completely.
When the pain and obvious struggle to lift weights started .. I ignored it saying I needed to do more.. Work harder. The women at the box were so encouraging and I so wanted to be a part of that life and be bad ass strong like them. But the harder I tired the more pain I was experiencing.
It was not easy to walk away from something I loved doing so much. The people mostly …well they never judge.. Always encourage. It’s a family that I miss so much .
So that took me to a dark place in my head. Crossfit was essential in lifting my depression and crushing anxiety. Now that I did not have that I felt myself spiraling out of control. I was not listening to what my body was saying. I needed rest.. Clean foods….water… The appropriate excercises for the situation I was in. Instead I shut down… Did nothing and that always results in self harm.
The depression and anxiety are something I battle on a daily basis. I am a natural introvert so I tend to go deeper inside and shut down. Sleep is my best friend and I work on being alone as much as I can. However with that you are alone with your own thought… Your own self pity and your own anxiety.. No one or nothing to pull you out of the state you are in.
For me as some of you know.. I am a lover and follower of Jesus Christ. I ignored His words… I avoided getting quiet to listen to what He had to say. I was feeling ashamed at undoing all my progress and being “old” , out of Shape again. I had asked for help daily and it just didn’t seem He was listening or willing to help . That I was back at square one and He could not give a rats ass about me or my problems. ThAt was my bottom. I never felt so alone in all my life. I was not only in physical pain with no clear diagnosis Other than arthiritis … Possibly fibromyalgia… My mental health was at a point that I was on shut down.. Don’t give a shit anymore. I will never be fit. Fuck it. I was not meant to be anything different.
When I hit that moment I was afraid.. Really afraid of what my life would start to look like. So afraid that I knew I had to do something. That is when the shift occurred. I started asking God to show me what to do … What steps to follow… What was I not looking at.
As much as I hate it.. Pride has been an issues and that is what I was not listening to . Crossfit is bass ass and I love it… But my body was telling me I needed more and I wasn’t willing to give up the feeling of belonging… Getting strong and feeling well tough. My ego was tweaked. Yes at 53 and overweight you can still have an ego.
So .. Now humbled… Not in the shape I was at all… (Not that I looked like an athlete or anything) but I was feeling strong and clothes were fitting better than they are now… More energy and just an over all lighter positive feeling about life.
Today before anything I am on my knees thanking God for the gift of an able .. Slightly messed up body… And skewed vision of myself. He thinks I am perfect. The more I listen to the lies of the enemy the more ground he takes. So I am leSrning to recognize those thoughts as not my own but of the one who has held me captive. I rebuke the lie and give thanks to God that I know how He sees me. Redeemed… Perfect… Beloved.
I am not saying that all is fantastic. What I am saying is moment by moment I remind myself that I am ok. That a workout is better than no work out. Today my routine looks like yoga and some HIIT. I sweat and I feel good after but it is no Crossfit. I hope to be back at some point in some capacity.
The lessons I learned are… I am not so good with change.. I am stubborn and pout when I can’t have what I want…lifting weights even small weights fights depression and anxiety. Reaching out for help works. Rest.. Eat clean… Drink water… Take all your thought captive and bring them to the Lord. Tell the accuser to piss off and stomp on the lies that have held you hostage.
Today the sun is shining and it is the weekend. I am grateful there is no agenda for today. But I do know that I will take the time to connect with my Father… To be settled in His arms and listen for what He has to say.
The depression and anxiety as I said are a day to day balance.. But I am crawling out of the ditch with my big girl pants on ready to move forward again. Looking to what is ahead. Knowing I am not alone…knowing I can get what i need…know there are those who love me….knowing that I am…..well that I am ok.:)
Later gators 😘